Script catalog
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The Altos
Series
The Altos 1: Blood Is Thicker Than Wine
The Alto family gathers at the mansion for the reading of wine baron Ernest Anthony “Tony” Alto’s will. Presiding is Carmela, a woman who has never met a sentence she couldn’t improve with the word “freakin’,” and who is refilling her glass of Ernest and Julio Alto red faster than consigliere Big Frankie Coppola can say “stipulates.” Then Sanjo makes an entrance with style, Uncle Julio and a mysterious Contessa with an indeterminate European accent arrive with a bang, somebody gets whacked, and the will finally gets read — and Act II brings even more trouble. Your guests aren’t just watching: many are handed character cards making them part of the family (say hello to “Nostrils” Mondavi and “Two-Buck” Charlotte Shaw), and in Act II they question the suspects before Big Frankie names the killer. The first episode of The Altos, a Godfather-meets-wine-country parody in two acts and five scenes, written for six actors (three men and three women).
The Altos 2: Blood is thicker than Water
“Or, How to Remove Stubborn Wine, Coffee and Blood Stains”
Or, “How to Remove Stubborn Wine, Coffee and Blood Stains.” Tony Alto — “The Godfather of Grapes” — has called a special meeting of the families at the Ernest and Julio Alto Winery to discuss a business deal he refuses to explain until everyone shows up. Everyone includes his wife Carmela (who would like to know who the freak all these people are), his respectively attractive and frumpy twin daughters Sanjo and Nebby (played by one very busy actress), and the new Capo di Cappuccino, Marty “M Diddy” Stewart, with his jittery lieutenant Joey “Jitters” Mochaventi. Wine meets coffee, egos meet espresso, and somebody doesn’t make it to dessert. Guests are welcomed as fellow goombahs and goomahs, hear the suspects’ motives, catch the clues (and the music), then interrogate the suspects before consigliere Big Frankie Coppola cracks the case. Episode two of The Altos, in five scenes: Suspects, Motives, Clues, Music & Murder, Interrogation, and Resolution.
The Golden Girls
Series
The Golden Girls 1: Holiday Mystery
It’s the Golden Girls’ Annual Christmas party, and Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sophia would like to welcome every one of you — even if Rose didn’t realize it was a Christmas party, despite all the decorations. Blanche has already picked out a gentleman in the audience to flirt with, Sophia is saying exactly what she thinks, and Dorothy, an intelligent woman, has been blinded by love for Arthur Walter, a smooth-talking, blackmailing cad. When the law arrives in the form of Lieutenant Caramba, a Columbo-esque detective, the threats start flying, an announcement leads to murder, and the clues begin piling up. The girls seat guests and mingle during the preshow, then guests help question the suspects before the resolution. The first Golden Girls murder-mystery parody by John R. Logue, in six scenes. Dorothy may be played by a man in drag.
The Golden Girls 2: Murderous Christmas
Another Merry Murderous Christmas from the Golden Girls! The holiday party is about to begin, but Dorothy, who always emcees these things, is late. That leaves Rose to welcome everyone, which goes about as well as you’d expect (she’s fairly sure Scrooge’s name started with an “S”). Blanche is busy flirting with a male guest, and Sophia is threatening to have Santa’s elves make a very unusual entrance. Then Blanche’s niece Lucy Lovett, Dorothy’s literary agent, arrives, clues start appearing, and someone ends up dead. On the case: obsessive-compulsive detective Adrian Monk and his nurse-assistant Sharona Fleming. The girls seat and mingle with guests, who help with the interrogation before the resolution. The second Golden Girls murder-mystery parody by John R. Logue, in five scenes: Where’s Dorothy?, Lucy arrives, Clues, Murder & interrogation, and Resolution.
The Golden Girls 3: The Curse of Jessica Fletcher
The Golden Girls are throwing another fabulous holiday party (“What holiday?” Sophia would like to know. “Happy Kwanzaa, everybody!”), and this year Blanche has a theme: a murder mystery. And what’s a murder mystery party without a famous mystery writer? Enter Jessica Fletcher — and anyone who’s watched television knows that wherever Jessica goes, somebody ends up dead. The evening includes a panel discussion on the mystery-writing life, a very real murder, and a very confused round of questioning, with obsessive-compulsive detective Adrian Monk on hand to sort things out. (And if anyone asks about what happened at last year’s party, the girls would rather not talk about it.) Dorothy, Blanche and Sophia seat the guests, who help question the suspects before the resolution. The third Golden Girls murder-mystery parody by John R. Logue, in five scenes: Guests, Panel discussion, Murder, Questioning, and Resolution.
Standalone mysteries
A Dickens of a Mystery
It’s Fred and Edwina Sawyer’s annual Christmas party, and everyone’s invited — even some of Charles Dickens’ most beloved characters. The only one missing is Fred’s Uncle Ebenezer Scrooge, who was magically transformed a year ago into someone who knew how to keep Christmas well, and who has been “warm and gooey as a teddy bear stuffed with treacle” ever since. His bed hasn’t been slept in, and his housekeeper Mrs. Dilber (D-I-L-B-E-R, no ‘T’) would like you to know she wasn’t invited — in keeping with the situation. Mrs. Cratchit arrives with Tiny Tim, who is not quite as sweet as you remember. Then Sherlock Holmes knocks at the door, assisting Scotland Yard with a very intriguing case, and it looks as though someone has “murder in mind!” Fred can’t remember the housekeeper’s name, Eddie finds everything frightfully interesting, and the holiday spirit takes a sharp turn. Guests bribe the suspects for clues, help Holmes question them, and fill out a crime report before the resolution (an alternate ending is included if Eddie is played by a woman). An irreverent holiday mystery by John R. Logue, in five scenes, with apologies to Charles Dickens and Arthur Conan Doyle.
Anytown Legal
Welcome to the employees-only off-site meeting of the law firm of Claim, Poole and Smut, where the agenda is printed in the program and the partners are partners in crime. Your guests are the staff. Your hosts are the attorneys: Alan Shure, Denny Claim, Shirley Shack, newest partner Jerry Espinosa, and Ellenor Fruit of the rival firm Young, Fruit, & Berluti. The evening follows the official agenda: a welcome from the partners (complete with lawyer jokes), dinner, a keynote on “The Future of Claim, Poole and Smut,” a team-building exercise, and a Question and Answer Session that turns into a cross-examination when the firm’s future suddenly gets a lot shorter. Guests work out who did it before the case is closed. A courtroom-drama parody in five scenes. The “Anytown” in the title and the local references are meant to be swapped for your own city, so every audience gets its own hometown law firm from hell.
Be-Witched, De-Witched
Witches, warlocks, wizards and other people of magic: you are cordially summoned to a special Witches’ Council. Samantha Stephens has a problem. Ever since she got up this morning, she can’t do even the simplest spell (she twitches her nose; nothing). Her mother Endora can’t either, and Endora is taking it about as well as you’d expect. Nobody’s magic is working. The guests try a few spells of their own (Endora will tell you that you’re doing it all wrong), the whole room chants “Dr. Bombay, come right away!”, and in walks… Darrin. He is thrilled to learn his mother-in-law is now a mere mortal, and she is thrilled to keep calling him “Dick.” Uncle Arthur arrives with a joke for every occasion, Aunt Clara turns out to be the only one who can still do magic, and when Inspector Jacques Clouseau calls, the evening goes from bewitched to bewildered to murder. Guests bribe the suspects for clues, question them, and fill out an official crime report before the Inspector (with plenty of help) solves the case. A Gypsy Productions sitcom-parody murder mystery by John R. Logue, in five scenes.
Brady Murder
It’s Mike and Carol’s anniversary party, and the whole bunch is back together — sort of. Greg is now Meg (or Greg, depending on the moment, and his voice can’t decide either) and works for the Sheriff’s Department. Jan is a successful attorney still working through a lifetime of Marcia, Marcia, Marcia in therapy. Cindy still lives at home and isn’t nearly as innocent as she looks. Carol is still perky and perfect, thanks to the Valium. Mike is the adoring father — perhaps a little too adoring when it comes to Marcia. And Alice is still taking care of all of them. How does she do it? Then a body turns up, and it turns out this far-out family has more secrets than a shag carpet has fibers. Guests mingle with the Bradys, bribe suspects for clues, and fill out a resolution form naming the killer and the motive. A groovy seventies-TV parody by Roxanne Diesel, in five scenes.
Deadly Hillbillies
Well, doggies! The Clumpett clan is holding a reunion, and every guest is kin: Clumpetts, Bovines, Mosteses, and assorted Jim Bobs, Billy Bobs and Cindy Lous. Your hosts are patriarch Jed Clumpett (who struck it rich when that old swamp turned out to be plum full o’ black gold), his mother-in-law Granny, who would like Jed to git on with the story, critter-toting Elly May, and nephew Jethro (or niece Jethrine), who is mostly interested in his “cousins” and when supper is. It’s all shindig and family fun until somebody turns up deader’n a doornail. Enter LAPD detective Joe Monday. Guests are assigned hillbilly names on the way in, help question the suspects, and work out whodunit. A TV-parody murder mystery by John R. Logue in five scenes: Adventure Catapult, Dad Blamed Revenuers, Family Fun, The Body & Questioning, and Resolution.
Mardi Gras Murder
It’s the annual Mardi Gras Soiree at the Magnolia Bayou Plantation, and everyone’s invited. But beware: strange things happen in the Bayou during Mardi Gras … even murder. Big Daddy Thibodaux and Big Mama (a mixture of Martha Stewart and Emily Post with a drinking problem) welcome guests with Mardi Gras beads, while Big Mama’s sister Cha Cha, the local voodoo queen, wanders through chanting spells and warning everyone about the evil spirits among them. Daughter Blanche hasn’t been the same since her cat Fluffy met the cotton gin, and her younger sister Scarlett, a steel magnolia, always gets what she wants at any cost. The family cook, Mint Julep, has been in the kitchen for days on a feast that will make your tongue slap your face silly. Then a body turns up. Guests get beads, a round of the Hokey Pokey (Big Mama prefers Hanky Panky), and a chance to unmask the killer. One lucky gentleman in the audience even turns out to be family. A Southern-fried murder mystery by Roxanne Diesel.
Movieland Mayhem
Lights, camera… mayhem! Your audience is the extras on the closed set of a big-time director’s latest movie. Into the middle of it barges John Gladstone, the world’s greatest defective, who has come to Hollywood to find out what happened to his manuscript “The Gladstone Files,” and has discovered that things in Hollywood are not only not as they seem, they are positively unseemly. The suspects: Astoria Desmond, a product of Hollywood’s golden days when there was never a hint of scandal (plenty of scandal, just never a hint); Reginald Gamble, the hero in all his movies and a tad of a cad backstage; his better half Serena, who makes movies with him to keep him on the straight and narrow; and Cha Cha, who is profoundly Brazilian and whose body of work so far has been more body than work. She’d like everyone to know it’s a closed set (“Chess!”). Then a body turns up, and it isn’t a prop. Guests bribe the stars for clues, help Gladstone interrogate them, and fill out an official resolution form before the solution. A Hollywood send-up in two acts, written for five actors.
Murder at Castle Frankenstein
Dr. Victor Frankenstein VII, his wife Liz (the “Bride of Frankenstein”), and their daughter Vicky cordially invite you to Castle Frankenstein for the annual convention of the Multinational Association of Deranged Scientists: MADS, for short. Wear your lab coat, because things may get messy. Name tags are provided (Dr. Jekyll, Dr. Strangelove, Dr. Seuss, Dr. Ruth…), and Igor, the doctor’s hunch-backed assistant, signs his “IGOЯ.” The agenda: an icebreaker song and dance, the annual Mad Laugh Contest, and a keynote by Professor Lawrence Talbot on “Mating Habits of the Common North American Werewolf,” including a demonstration, if anyone can find him. Then ageless star of stage and screen Nora Desdemona and her hairdresser-companion Marcel Marcelle crash the party, Liz can’t stop saying “Macbeth,” Junior is restless upstairs, and murder turns out to be on the agenda. Guests are the conventioneers. They gather clues, interrogate the suspects, and see whether they can out-deduce a castle full of mad scientists. A monstrously silly murder mystery by John R. Logue, in six scenes.
Murder at Club Babalu
It’s 1967, and it took twelve years, but Lucy finally talked Ricky into moving to sunny California. Tonight is the grand opening of Club Babalu California, and of course Fred and Ethel moved too. (“First they move to Connecticut, so we have to move to Connecticut. What next, Japan?”) Fred manages the club. Ethel manages Fred. There’s one small problem: Fred couldn’t afford the musicians. Lucy has taken care of everything, which is exactly what Ricky is worried about. She’s arranged a loan from unscrupulous bank president Theodore J. Mooney, who keeps calling her “Mrs. Carmichael,” and she’s brought along one of Ricky’s records so he can lip-sync “Babalu” while the audience forms a conga line. Old friend Caroline Appleby is in town, one lucky guest gets recruited as Cousin Ernie from Bent Fork, Tennessee, and before the night is out somebody won’t be dancing anymore. Guests hear the motives, witness the crime, interrogate the suspects, and crack the case. A sitcom-parody murder mystery by John R. Logue, in five scenes. Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!
Murder at the Shell Café
The place: the Shell Café, Pismo Beach, California. The date: April 1, 1940 (that’s right, April Fools’). Gone with the Wind just swept the Oscars, and not far up the coast a certain newspaper gentleman still wields a great deal of power from his castle on the hill. The Shell Café is a convenient rest stop on the way to San Simeon, so you never know who might drop in. Tonight it’s everybody. Fading actress Marion, world-famous producer-director-star Charlie, and ruthless gossip columnist Lolly have come to meet in secret and are doing a terrible job of it. Then an ambitious young radio genius named Orson storms in with Mexican movie star Dolores hot on his heels. She was not following him; it was a “constituent.” Plots are hatched, a certain script comes up, Hollywood meets Hearst, and by Act III someone has eaten their last clam. Based loosely (very loosely) on people who really might have stopped there, with an Introductory Improv that seats the cast among your guests. A three-act Golden Age of Hollywood murder mystery by John Logue.
Once Upon a Crime: A Grimm Reunion
You are cordially invited to the tenth reunion of Grimm High School, the class with the happiest happy-ever-afters ever. Reunion chair Ella (formerly “Cinders,” formerly “Princess Dirtbag”) has finally found her prince, and she promises that when you meet him you’ll just love him to death. Snow White and Aurora are back too. With three princesses and one philandering prince in the same room, things are likely to be less than cordial. Everyone’s favorite home-ec teacher, Ms. Heckson, is catering (she still teaches at GHS, wears a hat that vaguely resembles a witch’s, and keeps the crowd in line with a hearty “SHUT UP!”). Jack, a professional consultant who cannot be bribed (but will accept donations for the Victims of Angry Giants), is quietly keeping an eye on things. Somebody at this reunion will not live happily ever after, and a surprise twin brother doesn’t help. Guests get name tags (lots of Hanses, Hansels and Gretels, plus one “Clever Gretel” who becomes a suspect), sing the Grimm High school song, share yearbook memories, bribe suspects for clues and name the culprit. A fractured fairy-tale mystery by John R. Logue, in six scenes.
Pirates of the Channel Islands
Adventure, booty, and murder on the high seas! Somebody aboard has committed foul play most foul. A jealous lover? An ambitious shipmate? Someone after his booty? Speaking of which, what’s become of Captain Jack’s booty? And how many times will we use the word “booty” to try to get a cheap laugh? Arrgh! As guests come aboard the Galloping Grampus, they sign (or make their mark upon) Captain Jack’s Articles of Agreement — Article V: There be no article five; Article VIII: Colorful language shall at all times be absolutely mandatory. Their hosts are the crew: First Mate Long John Johnson, Second Mate Ben Gay, Third Mate Dick Bones and cabin boy Morgan. Then Captain Buffy Bones of the Pink Pearl and her first mate, Dead-Eye Debbie Delaney, take command, and mutiny follows. Every table gets a few doubloons for bribing the suspects for clues, then guests question the crew and name the killer. A swashbuckling interactive murder mystery by John R. Logue, with scenes including Buffy Takes Command, Mutiny on the Grampus, and Another Black Spot.
The Last Cruise of the S.S. Minnow
Welcome aboard the S.S. Millennium Minnow, the fastest cruise ship in the world, with gyro-stabilizers so smooth you won’t even notice you’ve left the dock. It’s unsinkable, cruise director Marcy Ann McCoy promises. And if there’s an emergency, proceed calmly to the lifeboat deck… then panic, because there are no lifeboats. At the helm is Captain Judas “Skipper” Stubing, a ladies’ man, especially if the lady has money. His passengers include millionaire Thirsty Towell III and his wife Lovely (who have sworn off his “three-hour tours”), movie star Ginseng Winslet-Bullock, “Non-capsizable” Milly Brown (either the luckiest woman on earth or the worst jinx since Calamity Jane), and Keanu DiCaprio, a crack member of the L.A.P.D. bomb squad whose pickup lines need their own bomb squad. Mysterious notes keep turning up (“The Skipper lied”), tempers fly, and before the night is over someone is out for revenge. Guests check in with Gopher the purser, bribe the suspects for clues, question them, and a few even become suspects themselves. A Gilligan’s-Island-meets-Love-Boat spoof by John R. Logue, in two acts.