Murder mystery script
The Last Cruise of the S.S. Minnow
Welcome aboard the S.S. Millennium Minnow, the fastest cruise ship in the world, with gyro-stabilizers so smooth you won’t even notice you’ve left the dock. It’s unsinkable, cruise director Marcy Ann McCoy promises. And if there’s an emergency, proceed calmly to the lifeboat deck… then panic, because there are no lifeboats. At the helm is Captain Judas “Skipper” Stubing, a ladies’ man, especially if the lady has money. His passengers include millionaire Thirsty Towell III and his wife Lovely (who have sworn off his “three-hour tours”), movie star Ginseng Winslet-Bullock, “Non-capsizable” Milly Brown (either the luckiest woman on earth or the worst jinx since Calamity Jane), and Keanu DiCaprio, a crack member of the L.A.P.D. bomb squad whose pickup lines need their own bomb squad. Mysterious notes keep turning up (“The Skipper lied”), tempers fly, and before the night is over someone is out for revenge. Guests check in with Gopher the purser, bribe the suspects for clues, question them, and a few even become suspects themselves. A Gilligan’s-Island-meets-Love-Boat spoof by John R. Logue, in two acts.
Characters
- Captain Judas “Skipper” Stubing — A ladies’ man, especially if the lady has money
- “Non-capsizable” Milly Brown — Either the luckiest woman on earth, or the worst jinx since Calamity Jane
- Thirsty Towell III — A millionaire, jealous of the Skipper’s past with Lovely
- Anise “Lovely” Towell — His wife
- Marcy Ann McCoy — Ship’s cruise director, sweet and innocent… or is she?
- Ginseng Winslet-Bullock — A movie star who is smarter than she looks
- Keanu DiCaprio — Crack member of the L.A.P.D. bomb squad. Our hero?
- Gopher — Ship’s purser (non-acting role: checks in guests, takes tickets)
From the show
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